oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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