I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
