Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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