dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
