Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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