Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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