The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
