DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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