i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
