i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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