her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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