At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
