Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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