Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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