life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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