I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
