and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
