Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
