my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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