We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
