The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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