felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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