I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
