The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
