so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
