And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
