as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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