i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
