chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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