Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
