he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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