ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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