I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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