Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he thought i was a dude.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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