somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
