the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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