I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
