On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can I color on your dick again?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
