Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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