I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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