You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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