Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
