You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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