my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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