you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
