My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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