I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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