He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
