maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize