Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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