y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
