Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
