I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
