I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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