nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think your dad took our porno
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
