Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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