Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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