I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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