a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
