i already hear my dad disowning me
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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